Friday, July 8, 2016

Anxiety and Me!


  In the last four months I've been drug through hell and now... Now I'm slowly crawling out. Trying to fight weight gain, depression, anxiety, and figuring out motherhood with out my own mother, or mother-in-law. We lost both... Only a day apart.
I find myself eating a lot more than I used to. I have put on weight, since I stopped working. Started staying home taking care of grandma. I've always cared for others. Sometimes I forget about myself. It's sad to get up in the morning and leave the house in my onsie, to not care about my appearance in the least. While Sir (my husband) is at work, I stay home and stew over my thoughts, which for me is a scary situation sometimes.
Sir doesn't always realize how much he helps me. It's weird how much his love means to me, I never thought that one person could have such an overwhelming hold on me. When I lost my mom he was there, he held me as I cried. He tried to take my pain away, keep my mind off the fact. Sure I'm depressed, but at least most of the time I can throw a smile on my face, and laugh a little.
I've never had to fight my anxiety without medication. Since mom left though I have, I've learned how to handle my attacks... So what if I do that with sex, masturbation, or cigarettes. I have fought with Severe Anxiety Disorder since I was 19. Some days are better than others. Some days I just want to lay in bed and sleep or fuck myself till my mind shuts off. My dad suffers with anxiety to, he has helped me learn to deal with it. I'm slowly gaining control of my mind; I think, I hope.
I have amazing babies, but OH. BOY!!!! They act like me. They both have perfect manners while in public. My oldest is 5 going on 15. She has a bad attitude and is mouthy as all get out. And my youngest is in his terrible two's and he hit it hard. It's no secret that I'm a young Mom I'm only 23. I have always relied on my mom to help point me in the right direction when it comes to my kids. After all she raised my crazy ass and I have carbon copies of myself. Mom was my closest friend, she never judged me. Always told me what a great mother I was, and how proud she was of me. I can't talk about her around people, it stresses me out to cry in front of other. I don't care to seem weak. I'm the oldest after all, I have to stay strong for my siblings. They have no one else to look to know.

    Sorry if this is all jumbled up and crazy sounding.

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